First, look at this pretty African violet I bought. It's still alive, even.
I have a problem. It's not a big problem. But it's got potential.
Panic attacks.
Yup, panic attacks.
Horrible, striking-out-of-nowhere, high-stress, bawling, full-blown panic attacks.
I hate them.
They can come on me for any or no reason. Usually it happens after I've been "overstimulated" by florescent lights, or loud sounds, or just something repetitive that I can't get away from. They can come on from contact with a patron that has me up in arms or a friend that I'm having an arguement, however benign, with. They can be quick or prolonged. They can result in tears or just hyperventilation and the need to get away. They make me feel trapped in place, frightened, hurt, stressed and angry. I don't know what to do when they come, except do my damnedest to get away from the stressor.
I can't walk into Meijer without the anxiousness starting. Yesterday I met a good friend at McD's--nope, that didn't go well either, too many kids. (Which is a shame because we were having a good time.) I couldn't deal with a small gathering at a friend's yesterday because it was just too loud. One day I had one because a patron was bothering me, hardcore--I had to go hide in the break room with a tea. The process of making a cup of tea, actually, seems to be one of the only ways I can calm myself when I'm alone and it happens. Otherwise Jeremy has to help me breathe.
I don't know if there's any one trigger for this. It's really a combination of things. (Isn't it always?) There's the stress of our financial situation, the stress of feeling like we're failing, and Jeremy's theory is even that we've been cooped up most of the winter and so I'm literally not used to crowds of more than a few people. I work in a library, which isn't as quiet as most people think but it's more quiet than most people's workplaces.
Something's gotta give, or else it's going to result in me breaking.
Sigh.
2 comments:
Hang in there... you're not alone. Have you had a chance to talk to others who deal with the same issues? I used to have panic attacks, but they were mild. Still scary enough to send me straight to the doctor, though. Meds did help me, but they're not the only answer. Sometimes the support of knowing how others deal with it can make a big difference. Let me know if you want me to help you find someone to talk to. I'm here to talk too, though my experience was a little different. ((((HUGS))))!!
Kristin
http://reclaimingthehome.typepad.com
Do you want to schedule a date? We can go for a walk in a park. Drink tea? Take your daughter to the park? Let me know and I will set a date.
I think sometimes the best thing to do is just unload. I've been getting attacks increasingly. I don't talk to anyone all week except customers or typing back and forth. When the weekend comes people start to come around and then I have to learn to be social all over again! It's too much. I'm starting to plan sickness. Anyways. Let me know.
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