Why I don't go to church (even though I was raised to do so)

Short version, anyway.

A friend said something yesterday about someone saying hurtful words. In commiseration, I answered her post with "hurtful words are the worst. It's the main reason I quit going to church altogether." Someone then responded to my response, saying she wasn't sure what church had to do with hurtful words, because "her" church spoke the "truth."

Well, I think she may have taken my comment the wrong way. I wasn't speaking of church in the preaching/teaching/edifying sense. What came from the pulpit was certainly appropriate for my belief system, and yes, that church does teach "truth" as I accept it to be.

I was actually referring to "church" in the greater, body of believers sense. Some of the most hurtful words said to me were uttered within the confines of a church building by members of a church congregation. My point was, things were said to me in the setting of "church" that in the greater world would never be spoken out loud, and it was because of "hurtful words" that I no longer attend. Basically, it's the first thing that came to mind when I heard the phrase.

In day to day life, you would never walk up to someone and ask them why they were underdressed (V. "Sunday" attire, not v. clothing). In my workplace, I've never been accused of "inappropriate touching" when I've given someone a hug. I've never been wealthy or popular, which made school hard, but even with those strikes against me I never felt alienated by every single one of my peers--yeah, I faced the everyday hurts from the "in" crowd, but never everyone, all at once.

It was because of hurts like those that I left the church I'd been raised in as a child & went to another, more rural congregation. That was fine for a few years, until someone there said something to me so outrageously hurtful that I literally ran away and never came back. I won't say who or what, that's not the point. The point is what was said was the sort of thing that makes me to this DAY wrack my brain to figure out why that person thought what they were saying was in any way, in any sort of situation, appropriate to say.

So, two strikes, you're out. After 19 years of hurtful words, I left. I don't regret it. If you ask my daughter about Jesus, she will tell you He is the Son of God & lives in her heart. She's as "Saved" as I am, and if she chooses to go to church later on, I will do everything I can to make that happen. But for me--I am serving the Lord in my life, but from my home.

Vacation, etc.

Back from a vacation to visit my BFF Nicole up in Flint. We had a nice, relaxing time, knitting, watching Gilmore Girls, and generally hanging out. Didn't really "do" much but that was rather the point. Nic is a great hostess & I came home very relaxed.

Rode home on a Greyhound, and that was somewhat eye-opening. I understood, in theory, that Michigan was having it tough; but literally driving through the rotten downtown areas of Southfield, Pontiac, and Detroit made me appreciate Jackson all the more. We may be in the top 3 counties for unemployment, but at least our city uses the resources to keep things looking decent, and by extention, keep things safe. Many of our more "rotten" buildings are pulled down relatively quickly and though things stand empty oftentimes, they don't seem to be quite as subject to utter decay. Also, our bus station is WAY cleaner.

While on layover at the Detroit station, I saw a family have a run-in with border patrol. I'm just paranoid enough not to post my opinions on this on a public forum; suffice it to say, even I was uncomfortable with how the "situation" was handled.

When I got home, Jeremy & Tessa were really happy to see me (as I was them!!). Nothing like a break to make you appreciate one another even more. Jeremy did such an amazing job making the house look nice & it felt so good to come home & be able to just relax back into it right away. The cats & dog missed me too, I thought Jack was going to wag his tail right off, & Clee actually slept next to me, which if you know her at all you know that is really, really out of character for her.

Lots to do at work on Friday as well, although I hadn't realized how much the bus would take out of me on Thursday, so I ended up leaving a bit early. I did get a lot done in the morning though & felt productive at any rate. It'll take the better part of next week to finish off what I started, but I have a concrete plan of attack & the ability to follow through now. I really do like my job.

Also...BIG NEWS....Jeremy is published again! Woo hoo! He has a poem in the upcoming anthology Open Wounds, along with many other local writers of note. I'm really proud of him, as well as all of those in the book.

No rest for the rested, this is going to be a busy month!

Quick brown fox....

Nothing earth shattering to report. Christmas countdown continues, and although my Christmas spirit is somewhat lax still, I'm not as violently opposed to it as before thanks to some help & encouragement from friends.

Sprained my ankle this weekend, grr.

Be in prayer for my friend B's family, she just lost her grandfather. Not unexpected but still difficult.

Also be in prayer for N's grandmother, who is battling cancer.

That's about it.

Spirit-less

It struck me yesterday that Christmas is pretty much right around the corner. And I sighed.

Now, normally this isn't & wouldn't be my reaction. Last year was really, really hard to find the Christmas spirit--our lives had changed in a big bad way on October 30th with J joining the statistics, and pulling together so that there would be "something for everyone" to open on Christmas was difficult, but we did it.

This year I started squirreling things away early with the hopes that I'd be done by the time Christmas came. But as paychecks started getting stretched thinner & thinner, and as time has grown shorter, I look in that little box and think "where did it all go?" Birthdays came out of that box, and other occasions, and now there's really not much left in it except what was designated for a specific person.

I look at the astronomical amount of "started" Christmas presents on the needles and I literally feel like gagging. I don't know to finish it all & come out with my sanity & desire for pointy sticks & wool intact. I can literally sit & think of at least 5 projects ON the needles with intentions to be done by Christmas, with no less than another half dozen that "should" be made by then.

I just don't want to. I don't want to make presents out of necessity, and I certainly don't want to go to family functions empty-handed. Gifts are one of my love languages, and showering people with them are a way of showing them how much I love them.

That's another thing--family functions. The mere thought of them makes me want to tell work what days they are so that I WILL be scheduled for them instead of taking them off. I love my families, but the noise level, the questions, the "how-are-you-copings" and the well-meaning offers of help seems so overwhelming right now. I want to spend time with them but want to hide under a rock at the same time. I think anyone would agree that no matter how much you love & enjoy your family, being around them can be really emotionally draining, and that is what I feel as though I'm facing. It's really a struggle.

My prayer is that I will get into the spirit of the season soon, or at least STOP DREADING it. Because if I heard a Christmas carol or saw a poinsetta right now? I would start pricing bus tickets to "Anywherebuthereville" in a big fat hurry.

"Hey-hey-hey-hey....what's goin' on?"

Tessa's first day of school, Kindergarten, 2007

Silly mommy missed 1st grade photo op



Tessa's first day of school, 2nd Grade, 2009


Tessa's been in school about 3 weeks now, and she's doing ok, I think. She's in 2nd grade so things have become more "old hat" in a lot of ways. We've only been spoken to by the teacher once, thank goodness--she was talking too much in class one day last week & got in trouble.

For the most part she seems happy. She does math homework & reads every night. She's my kid, so she would read every night in any case, even if 15 minutes per night WEREN'T required. She's growing like a weed & I want to put a book on her head at times.

Things I have to do around the house for Tessa: fix her bed (the old side rail gave out, I'm thinking of rigging something involving using the frame for looks & cinder blocks for support), go through her old outgrown & stained clothes, bring down "new" clothes from the attic, go through her toys together & consolidate them, and clean out her closet.



J, NOT a recent photo, but he is rather elusive to get a shot of.

The job hunt is still on for J, and I think we're both discouraged on that front. But he is such an amazing support & strength. He was terribly sick this summer, and that hasn't fully resolved, but he has taken a lot of steps to manage the condition. He's also pretty incredible around the house, doing dishes, picking up, vacuuming, dealing with laundry, getting together meals, taking care of Tessa, managing our finances--I don't know what I would do without him, and I mean that quite literally. I love my husband so much, and I love the way he takes care of our family so well.

Things to do around the house for J: go through our clothes, toss/consignment/recycle what doesn't get worn, find better places for things like linens, manage the space in our bedroom better, get him a bedside lamp.



After I dyed my hair last night.

I'm doing ok myself. I'm in pain frequently, and I suspect a chronic pain condition. The testing is prohibitively expensive, however, so I am mananging what I can with OTC motrin & B complex, as well as changes in diet & exercise. I am somewhat actively working to lose weight by changing lifestyle habits, and I've lost about 10 lbs since I started doing that, so I am definately seeing results.

Work has been a challenge because we have changed our software recently, but I have been getting more hours as a result, so this paycheck should look pretty darn good. Mostly I've just been plugging along, trying not to think too much about anything.

Things to do around the house for me: sort & clean out what's in the attic, as well as in other "hidey-holes" around the house. We need LESS STUFF.

How to Arse Up a Sweater Back in 7 Steps.

I finished the sleeves of my sweater last night. The pattern I'm using, Mariah, calls for some really beautiful & complex cabling on the sleeves. I decided that I wanted to finish before winter, so I took out the obscenely time-consuming (albiet gorgeous) celtic knot cable which of course, is what the designer made the sweater around, so I'm sure she'd rather I not tell anybody that this is her pattern.

I kept the rather demure cable ribbing pattern on the cuffs & body of the sweater. Last night after finishing the sleeves I cast on for the back. That's when I began to make mistakes...

1. CO 126 stitches. Cleverly recheck the pattern, remove 2 stitches because the CO is supposed to be 124. Cut part of the ridiculously long tail leftover from my inability to correctly estimate a long-tail cast on. Happily check the chart, working across as I go.

2. Realize when I get to the end of the row & have 11 stitches leftover instead of 7 that I misread the pattern & arsed up the first 7 stitches. Cuss, rip them back. Start another episode of the tv show I was watching on netflix.

3. CO 124 stitches again. Breathe relief that I'd had the forsight not to remove the first stitch when ripping out, so my tail is perfect. Knit across, fixing the first 7 stitches & last 7, making an adjustment for a button band instead of zipper. Feel rather clever that the garter band I'm knitting looks quite nice.

4. Work happily away for 5 rows of the pattern. Make J take it from me at around 1 a.m. so I can get a reasonable amount of sleep, and because my left shoulder has been bugging me (maybe from cranking out stockinette sleeves for 3 weeks).

5. Go to bed. Fall asleep with a book in my hand, thinking absently about the sweater.

6. 3 a.m. wake up with a start, realizing that I'm knitting the BACK of the sweater, and BACKS DON'T NEEED BUTTON BANDS. Feel like a moron. Go back to sleep.

7. Wake up at 8, trying to decide if I have the heart to rip back the thing yet again. Contemplate a redo plan involving a crochet hook & my wits. Best case scenario--it'll work & take less time than a reknit, which would take about an hour. Worst case: I'll work all morning on it, arse it up further, have to rip it out anyway and reknit.

Excuse me. I have to fortify with coffee now, and dig out my crochet hook. I can see where this Saturday morning is going already...

UFOs

In knitting, we have these things called "UFOs," or UnFinished Objects. I've lost my kntting mojo(1) lately, which has lead to startitis(2), which has resulted in a plethora of UFOs. So when you ask "what are you knitting" and I answer "I don't know," this is why:

This pair of socks was all my passion early in the summer. They are to be a christmas gift. I have one totally done, the other done to about the point you see in the picture. I think I saw the bag with them somewhere around yesterday, but I'm not sure where I put it. It should only take a couple of days before finishing.

I have this sweater-in-progress SOMEWHERE I don't know where I put it. It's for Tessa's back-to-school, and I'm about a third of the way done--the yoke is complete, right now I'm doing the body, then just the sleeves & sewing on the buttons & I'm done. It should take me about a week, if I get cranking. If I can find it.

I've owed my friend Shawna these socks since Christmas. I have 1 & 1/3 done. Maybe, 4 days? and I'd be done.

Five of these blanket squares are done. I'm planning on 9 or 12, depending on how 9 look. Probably 9 is all I'll need, so I'm more than halfway. Not sure how much longer this would take, but I do know I'm making it way more complicated than it needs to be.

CJ's sweater needs to be done in time for Christmas. It needs both sleeves & buttons. Three, maybe four evenings would do it.

The intended recipiant of this hat will really love it, as well as the matching scarf, if I can crank it out in time for Christmas. The scarf is done, thankfully. Another 2 or 3 evenings & the hat will be too...

I could finish these socks this weekend if I really wanted to. There isn't much to go. It's a plain vanilla top down pattern. In my defense, I did put it back on the needles last night, finished the heel flap, turned the heel & started the gusset. So they are out of "hibernation" at least & will make someone a good Christmas present--don't know who yet.

I need to piss or get off the pot with this kilt hose. It will take awhile but I'm borrowing the pattern from my LYS(3) owner, and I'm sure she'd like it back soon. I started it because I was reading the Outlander books, but then lost interest with them, and with these.

This sock-weight blanket will take a lifetime, and that's fine. But I should work on it more than I do.

Don't ask. There are 3 yarns involved here that are hopelessly tangled in a box with unmatched socks. It's a sad state of affairs.

This is a sweater I want to make for myself. I've actually worked on it a little the last couple days. What you see are the heavily modified sleeves. I loved the celtic knot design in the original sweater, but wanted to finish sometime this year.

I started this sock to attempt to get my knitting mojo back. I hadn't knitted in so long that I felt like I needed something new (HA!).


And then there are the projects of which we will not speak.

So yeah, what am I knitting? I don't know. That's my story & I'm sticking to it.

(1) knitting mojo: the desire to knit, or knit something in particular, or at least voraciously knit to the point of finishing a project.

(2) startitis: a)the desire to knit so much that you start a hundred different types of projects; (b)starting different projects for different moods and never finishing them, resulting in a variety of projects on the go; (c)the inability to start a new project after finishing the old one. If anyone ever gets this form, will you please come sneeze on me? Thanks.

(3) LYS: Local Yarn Shop, in my case, the Dropped Stitch.

Beautiful Girl

My cutie patootie got glasses yesterday! When we went for our appointment last Sunday I expected to hear that she would need them at least for reading, but by the time she got to the 4th line & the optomitrist looked at me and asked, "She does know her letters, right?" I knew she'd need them full time.

She's nearsighted, just like me. Poor girl. But she's excited--I don't think she realizes what a lifetime sentence it is, she's just happy to be "like mom & dad" finally. I just can't believe how quickly the inevitable sneaked up on us.

I let her pick her own frames, just told her they had to be plastic, and she wanted "blue" of course. So she found the bluest ones she could. I think she's utterly adorable, but I am a bit biased.

I'm just glad that the time of the huge-bug-eye frames that I came up with is past. (No, I will not post pictures. If you were there, you remember; if not, I want you to think of how I look NOW, not then. Please not then.)

Oh, and I was fitted for a new pair too. It's so nice to be able to see all the little things, like the bobbles in the afghan my friend Meg made for a wedding present. I just wish that with that didn't come the sight of all the cat hair that Annie has shed on it.

Off to do laundry....

Resigned.

I turned this letter, along with my scrubs, into the clinic today.

****

Dear [various personnel],

After much internal debate, it is with regret that I tender my resignation from the position of Licensed Veterinary Technician at X Clinic, effective as soon as you deem reasonable. I have enjoyed working for XC and have no ill will in my departure. I thank you so much for the opportunities offered at the practice over the last three months, and I hope that we are able to work together sometime in the future.

Sincerely...

****

I thought I would feel horrible and guilty, but honestly, all I feel is peace. It's what I needed to do emotionally. It's what I should have done months ago. I've been thinking and praying for days, and it's what I think God wanted me to do. Otherwise, I don't think I'd feel this much peace about it.

I have my reasons, many of them, and some people have heard them. But in the end it's where I need to be right now, for myself and for my family.

ETA: I loved the clinic, I loved the people and clients, I loved everything about that. I just wasn't a good fit for what they needed. I want to clarify that--it's important for those who knew which clinic I was at to know that they are still amazing in my book, and there is really no ill will on either of our parts. They're great. My resignation was personal, not because of them.

Failed

I failed miserably at photoblogging. Sorry, folks. It just doesn't seem to be my forte, following along with a daily ritual outside of the essential, "must be dones."

I'm sure my 9 readers are tired of the subject, but in looking at the most recent unemployment statistics, Jackson's had a 68% increase in unemployment from May 2008 to May 2009. Fan-damn-tastic.

Have had a nice independence day. We had a picnic lunch in the park with some friends, and Tessa came home the grub-monster. She's having a quick bath before we head off to my grandparents' house. I made my diabetic grandpa some sugar-free dessert--it's good for the rest of us too. We were going to go to fireworks but I just found out Brooklyn held theirs last night. Oh, well, it's cold out today anyway. ETA: we got to see Brooklyn's fireworks after all, it was Lake Columbia Grandma had heard going off. They were pretty.

I had a really bad 90 day review at the vet clinic. Nothing against me personally, just a lack of skill that hasn't come up as quickly as any of us thought it would. I've got another 30 days there, then we'll reassess and decide whether I should stay on. Part of me doesn't want to, but I feel as though I must--that's what my degree is in and that is what is helping pay the bills right now, if I don't give it everything I've got then I've really failed. I think that if I left now it would be less stressful for me but that I'd always hate myself a little for not putting it all out there and giving it everything I got. I figure if I still suck in 30 days and they let me go, at least it wouldn't be because I left. Again, going with what people expect of me. So much for being a risk-taker.

Catching Up

Playing catch up for the past few days. Here we have:



Love--my 18-year-old Annie loves a foot. I was modelling this sock for a Rav Notebooks upload, and she couldn't help but head-butt it for attention. I love this cat with every fiber of my being and will be heartbroken when her time is come.



Joy--this stray came into work #2 and needs a home. She is such an affectionate, happy pup that getting a picture of her is next to impossible, because she vibrates with joy whenever anyone pays attention to her. I hope she finds her perfect place very soon!



Home--RTH is about reclaiming the gentle arts in the home, such as knitting. Tessa has been resisting learning to knit, it being something "mom does" and therefore something she won't. But today she actually acquiesed to really work on it. She's learned before, of course, but today she's really sitting down and concentrating on it. And she's doing really, really well.

Heart

Jeremy's hand

My husband is a prince. He wouldn't actually want anyone to know that, of course. He wants to give off a batsh*t crazy, gonna-snap-at-any-moment, mad and dangerous vibe that will frighten away everyone. But in reality, he's a softy.

Jeremy's a man who will do anything for a friend or a loved one. Today was a rough day--as in, I probably shouldn't have gotten out of bed if I knew what was good for me. I won't relive it for you, suffice it to say I am killing myself by inches, culminating in the spectacular hitting-of-the-broiler insides which resulted in a really painful burn on my left hand.

Without missing a beat or thinking twice, Jeremy drove to Walgreens and picked up burn ointment and chocolate. He helped me wash my hair and started the dishwasher. He let me relax. And while visiting on the porch with friends, he glanced in and flashed me the above symbol--our little aside to one another--an ASL sign meaning "I love you."

I love you too, honey. Thank you for showing me in so many ways.

Trying for it

I'm attempting photojournaling this month as part of a Reclaiming the Home project. The idea is to photojournal 30 words in 30 days, beginning June 1. I can't promise I'll post daily, but I'm sure going to try.

Before I begin, I would like to add the caveat that I have a very ill-behaved camera. We're trying to work through these issues, but it doesn't like bright light. Therefore my shots will be much less spontaneous than I would like. I'm hoping some day to be able to afford a much better camera. There may be days when video happens, rather than photos, because my camera hates sunlight.

That said, this is our word list.

heart
love
joy
home
happiness
serenity
hope inspire
create
illusion
strength
comfort
peace
unity
beuty
ancestry
silence
technology
sustenance
crafted
persistence
light
contentment
purpose
full-circle
small
natural
history
relaxation
handmade
solitude

Check this space often for what I can come up with.

Memorial Weekend (so far)

We had a good weekend here. Yesterday, my friend Chad and ClaireElaine drove up from Ft. Wayne, about 2 hours south of here. We had a picnic in the park and then came home to socialize. Tessa really had fun with their sons, Topher and Xander, although Xander got tired and cranky by the time it was time to go and tried to lock himself in Jack's crate. :-)

Path of destruction

Done with his day--going to bed?

My friend Vicki's daughter Noel won passes to Allskate, the local skating center, and invited us and many of our friends. This is Tessa with her "twin" TJ, trying to help him skate:

Ow! Falling hurts!

And with Coley, her friend and Noel's brother, discussing how rude some of the other skaters were!

Sk8tr Grrl

After Allskate, we went to Jeremy's sister Jessica (& her husband Justin)'s new house. My camera is having issues with pictures in bright light, so here's a video of the Davis "clan"--I think everyone is in there but the videographer (me).

13.4%

13.4% is the current unemployment statistic for Jackson County, MI, according to this Jackson Cit Pat article. Is it little wonder we've begun contemplating moving out of state? I like Michigan, and I like my hometown...mostly...but I have to admit, I'm getting weary of it.

It won't end there, either. Sparton Corp. is closing soon, and the article mentions many other "temporary" shutdowns planned for this summer. How temporary will they truly be? How far will this stone plummet?

Nearly everyone I know is on some sort of supportive care, whether it's food benefits, medicare or some other means of government support. It's sometimes enough to squeak by. And those not on benefits aren't squeaking at all.

More and more people are in the library, daily, looking to file for unemployment, build a resume, post craigslist ads, and filing for state benefits. The state is just about out of money, and so there are tons of cops on the street--you can't go two blocks without seeing someone pulled over in an effort to raise funds. But they're "raising funds" from people who simply don't have them.

It's so discouraging. And yet well-meaning friends and relatives still ask whether J's found work, or has any prospects. They ask whether we're solvent. The fact is, we don't know. We're doing as well as can be expected, but everything is so uncertain, and not only for us. Right now we're staticly treading water, holding out hope for times to pass and get better, and doing as much as we possibly can to be ready to make a move if the need arises.

So if you see me, please assume that if I'm smiling, it's a good day, and don't make it bad by asking about us. If I'm not, assume it's a bad day, and don't make it worse by making me dwell on it. Just love me and let me be--and remember that I will always take care of my husband and daughter, no matter what it takes.

Oh, and if anyone DOES feel the need to help--I really could use some help cleaning out my basement and attic, and frankly every other room, to rid of excess clutter so that if we are forced to leave this house I won't have to pack so damn much. Thanks.

Sweet Peace

How I often feel about living in Jackson, MI during this nightmare of a recession. A smart, moving tune by wonderful, talented women. A prayer for peace.

Avila--the Wailin' Jennys (Click for music/video)

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen

Never have you fallen upon this town

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen

Never have you fallen upon this town

The black crows are loaded

With the call of things discarded

The ribboned shard of battle

And everything burned

Have they forgotten we live here

Do they think that we gave up

Lay down and grew over

Weeds at every turn

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
Never have you fallen upon this town
Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
Never have you fallen upon this town

I will not rest

Until this place is full of sunlight

Or at least until the darkness

Is quiet for a while

And we will not wait

For that murder to come calling

The night will simply fall

And the morning will rise

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
Never have you fallen upon this town
Oh sweet peace, when will you be callin'

When will you be callin' upon this town

Goodbye, Good Man

Dear Gary,

Like my peers, I simply cannot believe you're gone.

I hardly feel worthy of mourning you. I was in only one class. I was never in your plays. I never even tried to be that girl. I was the hanger-on, the theatre-rat-wanna-be, the one who "married into" the wild and crazy theatre family you helped form. We were not close, but there was not a soul who knew you who wasn't impacted by you in some great way.

I have few personal memories of you. More of them are of the collective memory variety, of hearing stories told by my husband and friends. I knew your personality, and some of your history. I heard a share of your war stories. You taught me the basics of theatre, reinforcing what I'd been taught in high school and bringing a newer perspective to it. I did not know you well, but I respected you, worried about you, cared about you, and loved you in my way.

There are a couple things I remember. I remember your concern for me when I was having some health issues that were affecting my balance. I remember you telling me to "sit there, don't move" and asking me for my word that I would not move off the stool. Fast forward a few years: I remember the way your face just lit up when you realized I was with Jeremy, we had married and were expecting our daughter. You were as proud as a parent, happy for both of us for finding each other.

Thank you for your patience and caring. Thank you for your warm heart. Thank you for being not only endlessly entertaining, but also tremendously attentitive to each of your students. You will be sorely missed--and I think I speak for many when I say that while a little of the magic of this world has gone out with you, the residue of it remains and will resound for generations to come.

Blessed to be your student,
Mandy

First week as a "real" LVT!

Handsome Jack!!

So this was my first week in clinic. All in all it was a great week. I worked 7:30-3, Mon-Th, and let me tell you--I was so tired at night, I barely made it til 9:30. Last night I actually hit the deck at 9 and this morning didn't wake til 8:30, that's how exhausted I was!

You really work for your pay as an LVT. Most of your patients are going to fight with you, not verbally (usually), but hey--who wants strangers in pink scrbs coming and "hugging" them while other strangers poke needles in them? Sounds like torture to me, and they generally think so too. Thankfully they're a forgiving bunch, and generally by the time you wake them up from anesthetic they don't care anyway.

We had dentals and knee surgeries every day this week. The dentals, with only two exceptions, were something that I did--5 total in 4 days. A dental for a dog is like what a dental hygenist teeth cleaning would be for a person. You set up the machine, wear goggles and a mask to avoid bacteria, put on gloves, and start cleaning the patient's teeth with a scaler and then a polisher. The main difference, actually, is that before you do all that, you have to surgically sedate and intubate your patient, and while you're working on them you have to keep stopping to check vitals to make sure you're not sedating them too deeply. Techs are allowed to do everything surrounding a dental except for extractions--one dog I worked on lost 4 teeth. She didn't have that much to start with and ended up with a grand total of 6 left in her head. Please, brush your dog's teeth with doggy toothpaste 2-3 times a week! Jack loves his.

Knee surgeries are cruciate ligament repair surgeries. Just like with people, dogs can tear the ligaments around the knee joint. This is terribly painful for the dog and must be repaired surgically. The surgery for this is EXTEREMELY expensive, so many owners try to medicate with pain meds before having it done, which means more work for the surgeon, which means longer time under anesthesia for the patient, which presents a greater risk for problems--you get where I'm going with this.

Anyway, I assisted in a few of these surgeries this week. We had four total. Yesterday's was the most interesting and the most gruelling, since the dog in question had completely worn away all cartalige in the knee and it was just bone-on-bone inside of that joint. The surgeon used a product I'd not heard of, a wash that was meant to be a replacement for the synovial fluid in the joint. He had the assistant (not me, I was leg holding) flush the whole area around the joint capsule with the fluid before he closed it. He also roughened the edges of the bone in an attempt to stimulate cartalige to re-grow on the space, and maybe make things better for the dog.

While repairing a ligament, the surgeon has to really wrench hard on the suture material he's using inside of the leg. The knots must be tied securely, since this material is what is taking the place of the dog's ligaments and won't be removed. The technician (me this time) has to hold the leg extended while the surgeon is wrenching and wrenching on this leg--it's hard work! Then I had to stablize the suture material with a hemastat so that the surgeon could tie more knots to hold the suture material in place.

Anyway, those were the cool bits. I also ran tons of bloodwork, administered meds via injection and orally, and helped hold a few sweet patients as they reached the end. The euthanasia's are always sad to me, because this is a life extinguished, and life is a precious thing. This is someone's companion, someone's friend, someone's comfort. The ends I saw this week were very peaceful, one minute there, then gone. I petted the little bodies while the lights went out, and listened to heartbeats continue, speed and stop before saying "ok, we're done." Then on the other end of the room, I was able to go and play with a basket of labrador puppies--the cycle restarted, in a way.

It was a good week, and I'm looking forward to more. I'll be there 1-4 afternoons a week, and my responsibilities will mainly be seeing patients for small things like nail trims, helping doctors pull blood, running bloodwork, administering evening treatments, and so on. It'll be good, I think, though I'm a bit nervous at being the only tech on duty at those times. I'm going to have to be especially aware of what is going on so that I know where I can be used, because they're not used to having a tech available at that time of day. But all in all it will be good, though I'm glad to be still at the library as well.

Traumatic & Dramatic

Last Summer, after losing her first tooth.

Tessa is a very, very high spirited child. When she is happy, the whole world is wonderful; when she's sad, it's "the worst day of her life." There is no in-between with her. It makes our job as her parents challenging sometimes. She's not a spoiled child--at least, no more so than the average "only" child--but she is very "set in her ways." If she decides not to cooperate with something, it will be easier to move heaven and earth than to get her to go along with what you're doing or wanting her to do.

She's at the age where she KNOWS how much it sucks to be little. She knows her freedoms are few and that most of her life at this point is comprised of following directions--of her parents, her grandparents, her teachers--and her choices are few, generally comprised of "A or B" instead of figuring out for herself what her options can be. She realizes she has limitations, and it just really ticks her off.

This last week has been especially challenging. She had a run-in last weekend with an overzealous puppy, and that left her with a scratched up face. Then she had a tooth that she didn't want us to take out--when she finally let us, it slid out no problem, but it was very difficult getting her to let us. Now the tooth next to it wants to come out but is still very much attached on one side. We can see the big tooth wanting to come in, but that one side just doesn't want to let go.

Instead of letting us try one more time to take it out, she threw a HUGE hissy fit. We just couldn't get her to calm down. After nearly an hour, I finally got her calmed enough to see how unreasonable she was being, and she apologized to both of us for acting that way and finally let her dad check out her tooth. We let her know that we loved her and that we weren't angry, just hurt at the way she'd acted, and that we forgive her anyway. The tooth still won't come out, so if it doesn't come tomorrow J will be taking her into the dentist for professional help. She's lost computer priviledges for two days for her behaviour.

The sweetest thing was when she was sent up to bed. She was glad to go--she'd worn herself out with stress and crying and all manner of dramatics. From her room, we heard her tearfully saying something but couldn't work out what it was--whether she was talking to herself or ranting or what, it was in a completely ranting tone of voice. Finally I understood one clear word: "Amen." She was just pouring her little heart out to God, and I am so glad that she knows that she can do that without fear or judgement and that it is a comfort to her. I'm sorry that we had to go through such a traumatic evening--but I hope that the take away, of putting our troubles in His hands, is what she gets out of it.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

First, look at this pretty African violet I bought. It's still alive, even.

I have a problem. It's not a big problem. But it's got potential.

Panic attacks.

Yup, panic attacks.

Horrible, striking-out-of-nowhere, high-stress, bawling, full-blown panic attacks.

I hate them.

They can come on me for any or no reason. Usually it happens after I've been "overstimulated" by florescent lights, or loud sounds, or just something repetitive that I can't get away from. They can come on from contact with a patron that has me up in arms or a friend that I'm having an arguement, however benign, with. They can be quick or prolonged. They can result in tears or just hyperventilation and the need to get away. They make me feel trapped in place, frightened, hurt, stressed and angry. I don't know what to do when they come, except do my damnedest to get away from the stressor.

I can't walk into Meijer without the anxiousness starting. Yesterday I met a good friend at McD's--nope, that didn't go well either, too many kids. (Which is a shame because we were having a good time.) I couldn't deal with a small gathering at a friend's yesterday because it was just too loud. One day I had one because a patron was bothering me, hardcore--I had to go hide in the break room with a tea. The process of making a cup of tea, actually, seems to be one of the only ways I can calm myself when I'm alone and it happens. Otherwise Jeremy has to help me breathe.

I don't know if there's any one trigger for this. It's really a combination of things. (Isn't it always?) There's the stress of our financial situation, the stress of feeling like we're failing, and Jeremy's theory is even that we've been cooped up most of the winter and so I'm literally not used to crowds of more than a few people. I work in a library, which isn't as quiet as most people think but it's more quiet than most people's workplaces.

Something's gotta give, or else it's going to result in me breaking.

Sigh.

Tired and Cranky, but happy anyway

These last couple of weeks have been tiring for me. I have been working in multiple departments at work, including working the phones for the Jackson County Data Network--an entity seperate from the library but still kind of part of. The end result is, in my little 20-hour-a-week job, I've put in 71 hours in the last two weeks.

Why? So we can pay bills. The phone bill, car payment, utility bill, water bill, and garbage bill is all we've truly been able to "keep up" on, and some of those are overdue. So, I busted my hump to get as many of these paid this pay period as we can. I'm exhausted but really proud, knowing I've done everything that I can to help our family.

J has been fantastic about it all. He gets Tessa around for school, keeps the housework at bay, helps figure out what meals to make and plan, even made a roast this week. He feeds the cats and takes care of the dog. He picks the munchkin up from school and helps her with homework, and keeps me from wanting to bang my head off the wall, all while job hunting in an impossible economy and trying to pull together our finances. I'm really proud of him.

Also got some great news this week. I am going to be the Saturday/relief LVT for Blackman Animal Clinic. I am SO STOKED! I start training at the end of March/beginning of April, and then I'll be putting in hours here and there at the clinic. Their regular techs are so awesome, I really liked Jenn when I was being interviewed and I know we'll get along well, and Becky was one of my trainers in college and also one of my references, so I KNOW I do well with her. All this while being able to stay at the library--I'll be keeping up my skills and putting my degree to use without having to leave the job that I love. I think it's fantastic.

Today it sounded like spring when I let Jack outside. The birds were just a cacophany of sound. If it were warmer than 18 degrees F, I'd be out there in a heartbeat. I may still take Jack for a walk if it warms up later---anything above 30 is good by me, but less than that and my face gets uncomfortably cold.

Yay spring--just about 3 weeks away!

Kitchen Garden?

Morning glory in my backyard, last summer.

It's February in Michigan. That means change. Last week, we had a spell of 60 degree weather for 2 days, and it reminded me that spring will in fact come again. It was so nice to not have to see snow for awhile--it stayed warm enough, even at night, to melt the several inches around here and even do a fair amount to decimate the larger piles.

Then this morning we woke up to several incehs of snow again. I know it's more "normal" and that it's 26 degrees F now, which means that it's almost above freezing (32F=0C), which is practically a heat wave in itself in a northern state this time of year. But that little "taste" of spring made the drifts so discouraging to see.

So I'm trying to think spring thoughts, and trying to figure out what I want to do to bring spring on sooner.

I was thinking of maybe planting a kitchen garden. Not much, maybe one of those little kits from Walmart or some such. Or maybe just getting an African violet, since they're pretty hardy and I think even I could keep it alive. I could also force some blooms, iris or tulip or hyacinth. I just feel like I need something green and growing around me....especially since even the dirty green-brown winter grass is covered again.

Any suggestions? What would go best in a house with northern/western exposure? What is hardy enough to withstand me? What's most likely to be left alone by my Annie-cat, or at the very least won't kill her if she does ingest it? (She has a mean appetites for spider plants, which results in death before adulthood in all I've tried over the last 8 years.)

Thanks for your input.

The good (and some bad)

Getting the bad out of the way first--in the last week, a)3 more area plants have laid off workers, leading the town to 11.6% unemployment, making it THAT MUCH harder for my husband to find work; b)I turned 29 (for the first time) on the 31st, and while I wasn't sick that day as I traditionally am, I did get sick for the next two days, then; c)I fell on the ice, making the two days after THAT miserable; and d) I now have strep throat, resulting in a visit to the walk-in clinic for a throat culture and shot of penicillin in the hip. NOT comfortable, but way better than a 10-day course of antibiotics, of which I will forget to have 3 days worth, resulting in it coming back that much sooner.

Ok, bad go bye-bye now. Good: I was the recipiant of an RAK from a RTH group member! Woot!

Here's the low-down on the goodies from Jen, aka irunnaked on Ravelry (isn't that an awesome handle? cracks me up every time I type it.)

In no particular order:

Lion Brand Magic Stripes self-striping sock yarn!!

Sheepy stitch markers and a knitterly message card! "Knitting Brings me Peace"-- very appropriate.

Some GORGEOUS roving from etsy seller "Vampy," in an awesome red-and-black color theme. I can't wait to spin this and see how it will look, I hope my newbie skills can do it justice!

And finally, some absoultely beautiful hand-dyed merino sock yarn, "Shi Bui" from "Shibuiknits." I am in love with everything about it from the colorway to the twist and am making myself wait until I get to a ballwinder before I dig in, in an effort to finish the 1.3 billion projects I should be working on....but it's hard and I don't know if I'll make it.

Thank you again Jen, you really made my week!

To snow, or not?

It's winter...I hate winter. But I'm looking forward to spring.

I knit. I'm a bit of a project, ahem, lady-of-the-evening....that is, I enjoy knitting, and I don't really limit the number of projects at a time. I like the feel of a "new" yarn or "new" knitting experience and that coupled with a short attention span and a wide number of interests equals, well, not many finished projects but lots and lots and lots of started ones.

I knit like I listen to music--more by mood than type. I do get into these weird kicks with knitting, just like I do with music--what started out as a Dave Matthews "jag" has turned into a "rut" bordering on "obessesion" 3 months later--my mp3 player is starting to not play anymore in protest.

Anyway, I'm the opposite of Dave-Matthews-obsessed at the moment as far as knitting goes, and in the last week have knit on no less than 4 projects with at least 5 single socks waiting for a mate as well as half a sweater and 1/3 of a shawl underway. In my head are 2 pairs of legwarmers, a bag and a throw blanket, besides the pair of leg warmers I have cast on right now and the throw I'm in the midst of. I also have about 5% of another shawl started...and that is my problem right now. (Ok, the whole paragraph indicates a "problem," but let's focus for a minute.)

Last year I was gifted the most beautiful skein of yarn I've ever seen. It's from a very wonderful company called Schaefer Yarns, who produce small batches of very special hand-painted yarns, and I honestly have no more beautiful skein in my stash right now. (Alice's silk was right up there, but I couldn't let it sit and it became a scarf within the month.

The skein I got is to the left. The colorway is Lisa III, and on all of Ravelry I found only 2 skeins in exsistence--this one and one other.

At first I was thinking I'd turn it into socks, until I saw the sheer amount of it (over 1000 yards) and realized I could make 5 pairs with that yardage and have leftovers.

I decided that special yarn needed a special project. So my next thought was a shawl, because I can do back-and forth on a one piece object so much better than assembling a sweater--and I'm not dead sure what I would do with a sweater in any case. So I turned to my favorite writer, the Yarn Harlot, for inspiration.

A few years ago Stephanie made a beautiful shawl for a little baby referred to as "Snowdrop." The shawl was to be used as a beautiful nursery object with the goal of it becoming an heirloom piece. The Snowdrop Shawl, as it came to be known, was written up in chart form and given to the blogosphere as a freebie from Stephanie herself. This is a link to the pattern. Pretty pictures of finished versions can be seen here, here and here.

Evidently this CAN be knitted. It has been over and over. It's just me that has a block. After knitting and knitting and knitting, my version of snowdrop is only slightly more than what you see in the picture.

I've tried doing the pattern repeat, but I keep FUBARing it, cussing, ripping it back, messing it up again, more cussing...Currently I have decided to try to do it in a worsted weight for my lap afghan, but I cast that on last night and need to rip it back after only 1 1/2 repeats because a) I made too many repeats and it's too wide and will block even wider and b) in just those few rows I've already had to fake it no less than 8 times in order to line things up right--k2tog where I'm not supposed to, m1 in other rows, everything's cockamammy and I don't know what to do.

So with Snowdrop not bringing any light in my life or any sign of spring, short of giving this skein to another knitter to do a snowdrop for me--which would cost big bucks, I'm afraid, because I don't know anyone who loves me quite THAT much--it's going to probably have to become something else, or go back in the stash for a few more years. And patience has never been my strong suit.

So, suggestions are welcome, even from non-knitters, because this chick's had it. What do I make with this yarn? Do I perservere and become a better person through knitting, or do I exercise patience, or do I move on altogether with a new project? Any suggestions what I could do with about 1600 yards of laceweight, shoving in uncomfortable places aside? Please also keep in mind, that a) this fiber is a wool/nylon blend, so nothing summery and b) knitting with it is a bit like wrestling with dental floss, so anything terribly complicated may make me lose what little eyesight I have left.

Thanks for your input!

Knitting again...

Short blog this morning, I have to get ready for work. :-)

Yesterday was our monthly SNB meeting. I'm part of a fantastic group of ladies who meet at the Carnegie Branch on the last Monday of the month (1-3 if you feel like coming, all welcome) to sit and knit and chat and so on. We're from all kinds of different walks of life and we have fun meeting together. We've been trying to beef our numbers a bit but although there's been inqueries few have come forth to join us.

Somehow (I think Rosemary's doing, she's the unofficial "in charge" person) we got noticed by the local paper and a photographer was there yesterday to take pictures and talk to our group. I'm sure it won't amount to much more than a caption and a pic in the paper, but I'll be looking for it this week--if you get the JCP, you can look for it too!

Currently I'm working on a simple wool lap afghan. I have several nice acrylic ones, but as any knitter knows, There's Just Something About Wool. I've finished 4 squares, 3 of which I've blocked and have pictures of:

From right: stockinette and moss squares, garter rib, and an improvised color/texture pattern which includes a pawprint and Jack's name. All three designs out of my head. Other colors I'm working with are green, white, navy, light gray, pumpkin, and dark gray. I'm lacking one color to pull the squares together (using the dark gray for crocheting the edges) but there's a nice eggplant purple that I think would work with the others well, and since purple is my favorite color I'm surprised I didn't get it when I got the rest of these. Anyway, at the end I'll crochet them all together and that will be that.

That's all the time for today!

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I've posted. This is partly because of life, but mostly because of...ok, well, I haven't had much to say.

We spent New Year's Day with friends and family at J's buddy Dave's house.

From Left: Alara, me, cousin Jacinda, Teresa (Alara's mom/Dave's wife/my friend)

Tessa wasn't with us though, because she was off with Aunt Gina for a few days at the end of her winter break. AG was the sickest she's been in years, but took her anyway....it's probably a good thing I didn't realize how sick she was or I would have kept Tessa home. But they had a lot of fun. Tessa played with AG's friend Carol's grandchildren. They played Mary Poppins a lot. They also went and did some amazing stuff and just generally had a fantastic time together, as always. (I have pictures but apparently not on my computer, hunh.)

Tessa turned 7 on the 8th and had a nice birthday. Many of her friends and ours came and celebrated, and with the Palmers, the Crippens, some of the Davis's (Uncle Mike and Aunt Jacinda), Amber, and my parents, we had a full house. It was very fun.

Other than that, just working and recovering from the holidays. It's been extremely cold here, so Tess didn't have school two days last week, and with MLK day that gave her a total of 5 days off in a row. I was DEFINATELY ready for her to go back to school.

I had my working interview at Blackman yesterday, and the ball is definately in their court now. I put forth my best and I feel very good about how it went, so if they choose not to make me an offer it's ok with me--it's not going to be because of anything I did or did not do, but rather because they don't feel I would fit in their team, and I'd rather be told "no" because of personality or work differences than be hired because of skills and suffer from cattiness or resentment later. I'm flexible about a lot of things and I hope that showed. There seemed to be several very positive moments from the tech but other than that she was hard to read. I do hope I get it....it's a very nice clinic and I liked the people there, and liked the professionalism and cleanliness and so on...but we'll see, and I'll be ok if I don't.