For Lilly, and other newlyweds

My sweet friend Lilly, whom I've had the privilege of knowing for about a decade now, got married yesterday. I'm so pleased for her--she will be a good wife to her military man, and I wish them both all the best.

She asked me, as a person who's been married longer than a day, for personal advice I could give to her as a newlywed. This is what I told her, and I share it now with you:

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When you fight, and you will, do it constructively. Don't attack, don't tell him how he feels. If he needs space, give it; if you need space, take it. Don't lose yourself; protect those areas of interest that are unique to you, and take time for them. It's counter intuitive, but if you spend every waking moment focused on one another, you will burn out quickly.

Don't put any photographs in the bedroom. Don't fight there or talk about negative things there either. It's a really complicated space with a lot going on in there already. Keep it clean, as free of clutter as possible, and as peaceful as you can make it. Try not to do any tasks in there that go beyond the scope of intimacy.

Do not go to bed angry, even if you have to be up all night. Don't talk about the dissent if you can't find a reasonable conclusion; agree to disagree and hold one another until you've both calmed enough to sleep. Barring that (since he's military and won't always be with you), remember to tell each other you love each other.

You'll hear all sorts of things about open relationships and the myth of monogamy and so on. Don't listen. It doesn't work. I've watched many couples do this, and even the ones that say it works well for them appear to be unhappy at some point. Remember that still waters--both yours & his--run very deep.

Having a few secrets is healthy. Not talking about things that affect both of you, not so much. Learn when to keep your mouth shut and when to share what's in your heart. Not opening my mouth about the little stuff has saved a fight 9 times out of 10, and the little stuff always passes.

Find a community that uplifts you, be it a church, a military wives support group, something, and stick to your values within that framework. It's so important for women to support one another. Too often we're in some sort of "competition" to be the best wife and mom, instead of sharing quiet words of wisdom without judgement. There's so much pressure, and it's important to share the burden instead of making it worse for one another. Supporting one another will help more than you could possibly know.

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Congratulations again, Lovely Lilly, and may your life together be one which will allow you each to grow.