Traumatic & Dramatic

Last Summer, after losing her first tooth.

Tessa is a very, very high spirited child. When she is happy, the whole world is wonderful; when she's sad, it's "the worst day of her life." There is no in-between with her. It makes our job as her parents challenging sometimes. She's not a spoiled child--at least, no more so than the average "only" child--but she is very "set in her ways." If she decides not to cooperate with something, it will be easier to move heaven and earth than to get her to go along with what you're doing or wanting her to do.

She's at the age where she KNOWS how much it sucks to be little. She knows her freedoms are few and that most of her life at this point is comprised of following directions--of her parents, her grandparents, her teachers--and her choices are few, generally comprised of "A or B" instead of figuring out for herself what her options can be. She realizes she has limitations, and it just really ticks her off.

This last week has been especially challenging. She had a run-in last weekend with an overzealous puppy, and that left her with a scratched up face. Then she had a tooth that she didn't want us to take out--when she finally let us, it slid out no problem, but it was very difficult getting her to let us. Now the tooth next to it wants to come out but is still very much attached on one side. We can see the big tooth wanting to come in, but that one side just doesn't want to let go.

Instead of letting us try one more time to take it out, she threw a HUGE hissy fit. We just couldn't get her to calm down. After nearly an hour, I finally got her calmed enough to see how unreasonable she was being, and she apologized to both of us for acting that way and finally let her dad check out her tooth. We let her know that we loved her and that we weren't angry, just hurt at the way she'd acted, and that we forgive her anyway. The tooth still won't come out, so if it doesn't come tomorrow J will be taking her into the dentist for professional help. She's lost computer priviledges for two days for her behaviour.

The sweetest thing was when she was sent up to bed. She was glad to go--she'd worn herself out with stress and crying and all manner of dramatics. From her room, we heard her tearfully saying something but couldn't work out what it was--whether she was talking to herself or ranting or what, it was in a completely ranting tone of voice. Finally I understood one clear word: "Amen." She was just pouring her little heart out to God, and I am so glad that she knows that she can do that without fear or judgement and that it is a comfort to her. I'm sorry that we had to go through such a traumatic evening--but I hope that the take away, of putting our troubles in His hands, is what she gets out of it.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

First, look at this pretty African violet I bought. It's still alive, even.

I have a problem. It's not a big problem. But it's got potential.

Panic attacks.

Yup, panic attacks.

Horrible, striking-out-of-nowhere, high-stress, bawling, full-blown panic attacks.

I hate them.

They can come on me for any or no reason. Usually it happens after I've been "overstimulated" by florescent lights, or loud sounds, or just something repetitive that I can't get away from. They can come on from contact with a patron that has me up in arms or a friend that I'm having an arguement, however benign, with. They can be quick or prolonged. They can result in tears or just hyperventilation and the need to get away. They make me feel trapped in place, frightened, hurt, stressed and angry. I don't know what to do when they come, except do my damnedest to get away from the stressor.

I can't walk into Meijer without the anxiousness starting. Yesterday I met a good friend at McD's--nope, that didn't go well either, too many kids. (Which is a shame because we were having a good time.) I couldn't deal with a small gathering at a friend's yesterday because it was just too loud. One day I had one because a patron was bothering me, hardcore--I had to go hide in the break room with a tea. The process of making a cup of tea, actually, seems to be one of the only ways I can calm myself when I'm alone and it happens. Otherwise Jeremy has to help me breathe.

I don't know if there's any one trigger for this. It's really a combination of things. (Isn't it always?) There's the stress of our financial situation, the stress of feeling like we're failing, and Jeremy's theory is even that we've been cooped up most of the winter and so I'm literally not used to crowds of more than a few people. I work in a library, which isn't as quiet as most people think but it's more quiet than most people's workplaces.

Something's gotta give, or else it's going to result in me breaking.

Sigh.

Tired and Cranky, but happy anyway

These last couple of weeks have been tiring for me. I have been working in multiple departments at work, including working the phones for the Jackson County Data Network--an entity seperate from the library but still kind of part of. The end result is, in my little 20-hour-a-week job, I've put in 71 hours in the last two weeks.

Why? So we can pay bills. The phone bill, car payment, utility bill, water bill, and garbage bill is all we've truly been able to "keep up" on, and some of those are overdue. So, I busted my hump to get as many of these paid this pay period as we can. I'm exhausted but really proud, knowing I've done everything that I can to help our family.

J has been fantastic about it all. He gets Tessa around for school, keeps the housework at bay, helps figure out what meals to make and plan, even made a roast this week. He feeds the cats and takes care of the dog. He picks the munchkin up from school and helps her with homework, and keeps me from wanting to bang my head off the wall, all while job hunting in an impossible economy and trying to pull together our finances. I'm really proud of him.

Also got some great news this week. I am going to be the Saturday/relief LVT for Blackman Animal Clinic. I am SO STOKED! I start training at the end of March/beginning of April, and then I'll be putting in hours here and there at the clinic. Their regular techs are so awesome, I really liked Jenn when I was being interviewed and I know we'll get along well, and Becky was one of my trainers in college and also one of my references, so I KNOW I do well with her. All this while being able to stay at the library--I'll be keeping up my skills and putting my degree to use without having to leave the job that I love. I think it's fantastic.

Today it sounded like spring when I let Jack outside. The birds were just a cacophany of sound. If it were warmer than 18 degrees F, I'd be out there in a heartbeat. I may still take Jack for a walk if it warms up later---anything above 30 is good by me, but less than that and my face gets uncomfortably cold.

Yay spring--just about 3 weeks away!

Kitchen Garden?

Morning glory in my backyard, last summer.

It's February in Michigan. That means change. Last week, we had a spell of 60 degree weather for 2 days, and it reminded me that spring will in fact come again. It was so nice to not have to see snow for awhile--it stayed warm enough, even at night, to melt the several inches around here and even do a fair amount to decimate the larger piles.

Then this morning we woke up to several incehs of snow again. I know it's more "normal" and that it's 26 degrees F now, which means that it's almost above freezing (32F=0C), which is practically a heat wave in itself in a northern state this time of year. But that little "taste" of spring made the drifts so discouraging to see.

So I'm trying to think spring thoughts, and trying to figure out what I want to do to bring spring on sooner.

I was thinking of maybe planting a kitchen garden. Not much, maybe one of those little kits from Walmart or some such. Or maybe just getting an African violet, since they're pretty hardy and I think even I could keep it alive. I could also force some blooms, iris or tulip or hyacinth. I just feel like I need something green and growing around me....especially since even the dirty green-brown winter grass is covered again.

Any suggestions? What would go best in a house with northern/western exposure? What is hardy enough to withstand me? What's most likely to be left alone by my Annie-cat, or at the very least won't kill her if she does ingest it? (She has a mean appetites for spider plants, which results in death before adulthood in all I've tried over the last 8 years.)

Thanks for your input.

The good (and some bad)

Getting the bad out of the way first--in the last week, a)3 more area plants have laid off workers, leading the town to 11.6% unemployment, making it THAT MUCH harder for my husband to find work; b)I turned 29 (for the first time) on the 31st, and while I wasn't sick that day as I traditionally am, I did get sick for the next two days, then; c)I fell on the ice, making the two days after THAT miserable; and d) I now have strep throat, resulting in a visit to the walk-in clinic for a throat culture and shot of penicillin in the hip. NOT comfortable, but way better than a 10-day course of antibiotics, of which I will forget to have 3 days worth, resulting in it coming back that much sooner.

Ok, bad go bye-bye now. Good: I was the recipiant of an RAK from a RTH group member! Woot!

Here's the low-down on the goodies from Jen, aka irunnaked on Ravelry (isn't that an awesome handle? cracks me up every time I type it.)

In no particular order:

Lion Brand Magic Stripes self-striping sock yarn!!

Sheepy stitch markers and a knitterly message card! "Knitting Brings me Peace"-- very appropriate.

Some GORGEOUS roving from etsy seller "Vampy," in an awesome red-and-black color theme. I can't wait to spin this and see how it will look, I hope my newbie skills can do it justice!

And finally, some absoultely beautiful hand-dyed merino sock yarn, "Shi Bui" from "Shibuiknits." I am in love with everything about it from the colorway to the twist and am making myself wait until I get to a ballwinder before I dig in, in an effort to finish the 1.3 billion projects I should be working on....but it's hard and I don't know if I'll make it.

Thank you again Jen, you really made my week!

To snow, or not?

It's winter...I hate winter. But I'm looking forward to spring.

I knit. I'm a bit of a project, ahem, lady-of-the-evening....that is, I enjoy knitting, and I don't really limit the number of projects at a time. I like the feel of a "new" yarn or "new" knitting experience and that coupled with a short attention span and a wide number of interests equals, well, not many finished projects but lots and lots and lots of started ones.

I knit like I listen to music--more by mood than type. I do get into these weird kicks with knitting, just like I do with music--what started out as a Dave Matthews "jag" has turned into a "rut" bordering on "obessesion" 3 months later--my mp3 player is starting to not play anymore in protest.

Anyway, I'm the opposite of Dave-Matthews-obsessed at the moment as far as knitting goes, and in the last week have knit on no less than 4 projects with at least 5 single socks waiting for a mate as well as half a sweater and 1/3 of a shawl underway. In my head are 2 pairs of legwarmers, a bag and a throw blanket, besides the pair of leg warmers I have cast on right now and the throw I'm in the midst of. I also have about 5% of another shawl started...and that is my problem right now. (Ok, the whole paragraph indicates a "problem," but let's focus for a minute.)

Last year I was gifted the most beautiful skein of yarn I've ever seen. It's from a very wonderful company called Schaefer Yarns, who produce small batches of very special hand-painted yarns, and I honestly have no more beautiful skein in my stash right now. (Alice's silk was right up there, but I couldn't let it sit and it became a scarf within the month.

The skein I got is to the left. The colorway is Lisa III, and on all of Ravelry I found only 2 skeins in exsistence--this one and one other.

At first I was thinking I'd turn it into socks, until I saw the sheer amount of it (over 1000 yards) and realized I could make 5 pairs with that yardage and have leftovers.

I decided that special yarn needed a special project. So my next thought was a shawl, because I can do back-and forth on a one piece object so much better than assembling a sweater--and I'm not dead sure what I would do with a sweater in any case. So I turned to my favorite writer, the Yarn Harlot, for inspiration.

A few years ago Stephanie made a beautiful shawl for a little baby referred to as "Snowdrop." The shawl was to be used as a beautiful nursery object with the goal of it becoming an heirloom piece. The Snowdrop Shawl, as it came to be known, was written up in chart form and given to the blogosphere as a freebie from Stephanie herself. This is a link to the pattern. Pretty pictures of finished versions can be seen here, here and here.

Evidently this CAN be knitted. It has been over and over. It's just me that has a block. After knitting and knitting and knitting, my version of snowdrop is only slightly more than what you see in the picture.

I've tried doing the pattern repeat, but I keep FUBARing it, cussing, ripping it back, messing it up again, more cussing...Currently I have decided to try to do it in a worsted weight for my lap afghan, but I cast that on last night and need to rip it back after only 1 1/2 repeats because a) I made too many repeats and it's too wide and will block even wider and b) in just those few rows I've already had to fake it no less than 8 times in order to line things up right--k2tog where I'm not supposed to, m1 in other rows, everything's cockamammy and I don't know what to do.

So with Snowdrop not bringing any light in my life or any sign of spring, short of giving this skein to another knitter to do a snowdrop for me--which would cost big bucks, I'm afraid, because I don't know anyone who loves me quite THAT much--it's going to probably have to become something else, or go back in the stash for a few more years. And patience has never been my strong suit.

So, suggestions are welcome, even from non-knitters, because this chick's had it. What do I make with this yarn? Do I perservere and become a better person through knitting, or do I exercise patience, or do I move on altogether with a new project? Any suggestions what I could do with about 1600 yards of laceweight, shoving in uncomfortable places aside? Please also keep in mind, that a) this fiber is a wool/nylon blend, so nothing summery and b) knitting with it is a bit like wrestling with dental floss, so anything terribly complicated may make me lose what little eyesight I have left.

Thanks for your input!

Knitting again...

Short blog this morning, I have to get ready for work. :-)

Yesterday was our monthly SNB meeting. I'm part of a fantastic group of ladies who meet at the Carnegie Branch on the last Monday of the month (1-3 if you feel like coming, all welcome) to sit and knit and chat and so on. We're from all kinds of different walks of life and we have fun meeting together. We've been trying to beef our numbers a bit but although there's been inqueries few have come forth to join us.

Somehow (I think Rosemary's doing, she's the unofficial "in charge" person) we got noticed by the local paper and a photographer was there yesterday to take pictures and talk to our group. I'm sure it won't amount to much more than a caption and a pic in the paper, but I'll be looking for it this week--if you get the JCP, you can look for it too!

Currently I'm working on a simple wool lap afghan. I have several nice acrylic ones, but as any knitter knows, There's Just Something About Wool. I've finished 4 squares, 3 of which I've blocked and have pictures of:

From right: stockinette and moss squares, garter rib, and an improvised color/texture pattern which includes a pawprint and Jack's name. All three designs out of my head. Other colors I'm working with are green, white, navy, light gray, pumpkin, and dark gray. I'm lacking one color to pull the squares together (using the dark gray for crocheting the edges) but there's a nice eggplant purple that I think would work with the others well, and since purple is my favorite color I'm surprised I didn't get it when I got the rest of these. Anyway, at the end I'll crochet them all together and that will be that.

That's all the time for today!