Inside Joke

Thinking today about Amber. For days, weeks, we had wondered, prayed; wracked brains, prayed; packed up her things, prayed some more; I cannot begin to tell you how many times I had wanted to bash my head against the wall in frustration. "Where are you?" was a constant refrain, fear for the worst a constant companion, and anger and sadness constant emotions. "Stressful" doesn't begin to cover that time for all of us who know her; "out of my freaking mind" may come closer, for me.

And then, she was found, bodily whole. Oh the joy! Pure and unadulterated. More godly souls than I may compare it to the rapture Christ must feel at His children's homecomings; for me, it was like this physical weight had been lifted from my chest, a missing piece found.

But not all the pieces were there yet. (And still aren't.) Amnesia? That sounds like the plot of a second rate daytime soap! Surely not real life? And yet. My joy was tempered, thinking "at least I know she's alive," but she was not "she" yet.

Slowly, slowly it began to come back. Who she was. Who her family was. But would she know her friends? Not all. Not even most. But some? Would she know me?

Simply said, she did. She knew my name, knew who I was to her. Knew my face, in her mind at least....but many faces in her mind did not match the current face of the person in question. Can I begin to relay to you the fear of that? Of having everyone around you be familiar and completely different at the same time? Probably not, only she would know. Would she know this me, this face? Or would I be a stranger to her in this form?

On the first hot day of the spring, she came. I watched her parents' vehicle pull in, watched as she laid her head against the seat. Her mom came and told me her head was hurting, probably from the stress of it all. Nerves--I had a case, too. How do you prepare for what you do not know?

She got out, walked up. Shy, shy, shy....I said, "You're really nervous aren't you?" She walked up to me....did a strange thing. She put her hands around my glasses as if to make them bigger. (Remember the 1990s? Remember the eyeglasses? Mine took up half my face then.) "THERE YOU ARE!!!" And then...

Hugs, tears. I was the only one to "look like" me. I was me! Sure, different glasses, a little silver hair, but ME in face, body, voice. Emotional connection? Immediate.

But still, there were things....3 hours that day, I told her a lot of stories, gave her encouagement (I hope), listened. Such a weird experience, telling her stories about herself! Many things she remembered about "us" though, her childhood. It was encouraging, having these little pieces of her back.

And it continues. She makes progress, daily. We've found ways to communicate, like passing notes in class when we were kids; a short message here and there, sending things by text, through the mail, the occasional phone call. And each time there's a little piece of her...a new joy.

Today's? An inside joke. We all have them, with our nearest and dearest. Something that, even when said out loud in front of others, makes no sense to anyone but yourselves. Amber and I have many, many, many of them...and I've not told her any, hoping she'd remember on her own. Today....she did.

"How you doing doll? I'm stuck at work today, yuck." I told her. Waited for her response, expecting a rundown of what she was doing. Instead.... "Red pop and bananas. That's all I have to say."

A choked little scream. Happy tears. A little jumping up & down. Scared my co-worker to death. But it's a piece of her. It's a tiny, pure joy. It's a gift.

Found!

Our dear one has been found. She has amnesia! I feel as though the whole free world already knows this news, so I will refrain from more detail--suffice it to say, it's the happiest I've been in ages, just knowing she is in the world, alive and physically well.

This past weekend Whimsical Grace Creations (what I decided to call the little studio) was part of the Art & Home tour 2011 that the local arts & culture alliance put on. My sister-in-law Tierney joined me, and we didn't do that great, but not that badly either. It lead to us being able to be open every Second Sunday from 1-4, and perhaps get more buyers in that way.

My mother has been very ill and is slowly improving. Her most recent trip to the doctor showed her blood values are improving in ways they want to see, which means her body is responding to treatment. She is still very weak but managing her pain well.

It's been a very eventful month here, and today a lot of it caught up with me. I woke up with some neck pain and general uckiness, so I called off work and spent the entire morning in bed asleep. It did me well, but it's 5:00 now and I feel as though I could sleep another 8 hours at least.

And that's what's new here.

Missing

I've been missing from the blog world, but there's a lot going on. My mom is sick and I've been up at the hospital with her daily for more than a week. It will be a long road back to the "new normal" but we will find our way together as a family.

Also missing is my best childhood friend. We are no longer close but this disturbs me a lot, to say the least. She was last known to be in Tunnel Hill, Georgia; her car was recovered there and this is where the search is concentrated. Those of us in Michigan are unlikely to have any incendental information, but if you are contacted by her, please call the Whitfield County Police Department at 706-278-3029.



Amber, we are praying for your safe return.

Springing....

Chevron & Lace is coming along nicely, I have one complete sock and most of another so of course I've sprung onto something else because I got a case of the shineys.

First, I came back into possession of some of my own homespun yarn and realized that the chances of selling it in the new & improved armory gift shop that's coming down the line are slim to nil, unless some other knitter sees it. So, I turned it into a pretty little spring scarf.





Isn't it lovely? I was thinking of selling it when the gift shop is running again. What do you think?

I also started a little multi-colored laceweight spring shrug. I'm hoping it doesn't take too long. Again, the pattern is more or less from my head, borrowing heavily from the yoke directions of a sweater I've done before. Which begs the age-old question, if you change the gauge, weight, style of finished product, and stitch pattern....at what point does it become a new pattern? Pretty much all I'm using is the method of increases and stitch counts. Hmmm.....thoughts, knitterly friends?

Chevron & Lace

"cowboys & angels, leather & lace, the salt of the earth meets heavenly grace...."




I found an old chevron & lace pattern in a stitch dictionary. I've kind of been obsessing over it. I used it in a blanket a few years ago, just a few repeats for a square. Then I saw it again, and thought I'd use it on a scarf (pic forthcoming; sorry, lace looks like ramen noodles til it's blocked.) About a quarter of the way through the scarf, one of my handknit socks went missing. So......

I'm hoping to actually write this pattern up. Too often I improvise things and then don't do the work to put pen to paper to make it a reproducible work. But this time I'm determined. (Anybody wanna help me with this?!?!) KnitPicks & Ravelry are both putting out calls for independent pattern designers; I know how to do it, 90% is execution, what have I got to lose?

For Lilly, and other newlyweds

My sweet friend Lilly, whom I've had the privilege of knowing for about a decade now, got married yesterday. I'm so pleased for her--she will be a good wife to her military man, and I wish them both all the best.

She asked me, as a person who's been married longer than a day, for personal advice I could give to her as a newlywed. This is what I told her, and I share it now with you:

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When you fight, and you will, do it constructively. Don't attack, don't tell him how he feels. If he needs space, give it; if you need space, take it. Don't lose yourself; protect those areas of interest that are unique to you, and take time for them. It's counter intuitive, but if you spend every waking moment focused on one another, you will burn out quickly.

Don't put any photographs in the bedroom. Don't fight there or talk about negative things there either. It's a really complicated space with a lot going on in there already. Keep it clean, as free of clutter as possible, and as peaceful as you can make it. Try not to do any tasks in there that go beyond the scope of intimacy.

Do not go to bed angry, even if you have to be up all night. Don't talk about the dissent if you can't find a reasonable conclusion; agree to disagree and hold one another until you've both calmed enough to sleep. Barring that (since he's military and won't always be with you), remember to tell each other you love each other.

You'll hear all sorts of things about open relationships and the myth of monogamy and so on. Don't listen. It doesn't work. I've watched many couples do this, and even the ones that say it works well for them appear to be unhappy at some point. Remember that still waters--both yours & his--run very deep.

Having a few secrets is healthy. Not talking about things that affect both of you, not so much. Learn when to keep your mouth shut and when to share what's in your heart. Not opening my mouth about the little stuff has saved a fight 9 times out of 10, and the little stuff always passes.

Find a community that uplifts you, be it a church, a military wives support group, something, and stick to your values within that framework. It's so important for women to support one another. Too often we're in some sort of "competition" to be the best wife and mom, instead of sharing quiet words of wisdom without judgement. There's so much pressure, and it's important to share the burden instead of making it worse for one another. Supporting one another will help more than you could possibly know.

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Congratulations again, Lovely Lilly, and may your life together be one which will allow you each to grow.

Pissed off

I was in a great mood most of the morning. Work was actually the best part of the day, because I have a certain amount of control. Then I got home, and then one thing piled on another, it didn't get to me until I realized how out of the loop I'm left by some people in general....and it's not the kind of thing I can ignore. But I don't really know what to do about it, because it's the kind of thing that even if I change my own attitude about it, it's not going to change anything, and the end result will be the same. I just hate not knowing what's going on with people I care about, and it's hard to realize that people I care for deeply don't think the same way about me.

You know how, when you go to a party, there's all these little subgroups? And maybe you got there late, or maybe you just don't know that many people, but you just can't break in to one? I'm not talking about being the center of attention, the one telling the story; that can be fun too, but I'm not comfortable enough a lot of the time for that. I'm talking about just standing on the edge, and being in the loop of what's going on.

I have days when I feel like I'm never in the loop. Like everyone else I know has this great relationship with one another, and I'm not even on the fringe of knowing what's going on. I find out big, important, life changing events on a public forum, or from someone else who's not even involved, and maybe they just didn't think of sending a quick email or (god forbid) picking up the phone (or even asking someone ELSE to pick up the phone FOR them)...and I feel hurt, like everyone else knew what was happening before I did. And then those in the know will send these cute little cryptic comments to one another, or in general, and everyone else seems in on the situation but me....

Say the life changing event (pregnancy, marriage, makeup, breakup, whatever) was simply announced to everyone at once on facebook, twitter, whatever, and there was no fore-knowledge by anyone....when did that become ok? I can see it for a big announcement like a pregnancy with your outer circle....I have 300 people on my friends list, I certainly wouldn't send individual messages to my husband's friend's mom or my friend's friend whose kids I watched that one time or anything like that....but my inner circle--closest friends, siblings, parents, nieces, nephews, close cousins--would certainly get a heads up before I posted it in a general feed. Even I just sent a group email a few seconds before a general post, they'd get the courtesy of those few seconds of knowing something big before that friend's ex-girlfriend that I used to hang with when they were dating did.

I'm not Emily Post, but I know rudeness when I see it. And my family may not be my best friends in the world, but they know what's going on in my life when something big happens. They don't have to find out second, third or 4th hand. The immediacy of social networking hasn't just taken away the personal touch--because it is possible to have a personal touch even within that framework. It's completely obliterated the sense that a personal touch is even necessary.

Someday, I'll have another kid, or change jobs, or move out of state--some major life event will happen that I need to tell people about. But I'm so, so tempted, in a fit of pique, to not tell those people who've marginalized me & mine this way. To let them find out in the most general sense, if at all. It hurts to be left out--it's one of the first rules you learn on the playground. It would be nice if people would remember that.